saw this and thought I would do it too

1. How long have you had an eating disorder? since I was 10

2. How tall are you? 5"6

3. What is your current weight? 129.0

4. What is your highest weight? 168 on meds

5. What is your lowest weight?: 98

6. What is your goal weight? 110

7. Describe your eating disorder experience in three words: tiring, obsessive, ongoing

8. What factors do you think contributed to your eating disorder? I was always the little princess in my family. Taught to be "pretty".  Nothing else mattered as long as I was pretty. In reality, I thought I was anything BUT.

9. If you could go back and change these factors and live life without an eating disorder, would you?
of course.

10. What is the one food you can't live without? bread

11. What is your drink of choice? tea

12. Have you ever been in recovery? not officially. I recovered myself in order to have healthy babies.

13. Have you ever struggled with other destructive behaviors? Im an alcoholic.

14. What is one thing that keeps you going strong from day to day? My children. They literally keep me alive.

So I got what I wanted. My dr gave me TOPAMAX. I know it isnt going to be an end all and be all to my weight loss issue but I am feeling really hopeful that it helps. Between it and my bike I should be riding to thin at any moment. I just have to keep telling myself that exercise is going to be my cure not my meds. But its going to help . I can feel it. 

OMG so I found apic of me when I was 168...ICK>..Ive come a long way...but then I found some of when i was 110 too...so MORE MOTIVATION for me. 

so yesterday I took some pics of myself in my undies to see jsut how horrible i looked. and yep..its what i thought..but it will give me a good look at my progress. it was upsetting but motivating at the same time. now i have something to look at when i feel weak. I can be so hard on myself and for having 2 kids I guess im not that bad...but i feel like it. tomorrow is my meds change I hope. Ive done pretty well with not taking them. it wont affect me for a while anyway. Im going to suggest topamax cause my friend used to take that too and it let her lose...so hopefully the dr will be agreeable. I did well yesterady and only had 800 cals. not even on purpose I just wasnt hungry. hopefully, that means my stomach is shrinking. Ive been doing well with small meals too. I only lost a pound so far but thats ok. I will keep on it. we are going to calibrate our scale today so we know its right. those damn ounces drive me crazy. ahahah thats about it for today. the little one is up. HUgs to all who read this. 

Im pretty excited. I ordered a bike yesterday and got it for $50. I had a gift card from Christmas that I totally forgot about so I used it and it ended up bringing the balance down to 50 so I only spent that. Now I have to wait til I can pick it up site to store and off i go. then it doenst matter if i dont feel like going outside. I can watch a show and ride. Im so stoked. I also found this cool pic while my son and i were looking at pictures on the comp. he wanted to see trees so i put it in and thats what came up. I think its beautiful and will use it as motivation. I took it as a sign that i found it. well...its the weekend so I will probably not be on ..but..I will write more during the week. Hugs to all the lovelies and Stay strong.

ok..so Im only making a post cause its Leap Day. and they only come once in 4 years. I thikn I lost another pound this moring. I weighed at it was 137.4 so I guess my limiting to 1200 a day is working. I havent been able to walk cause its been too damn cold. I might go today though. but its already almost noon and i dont want to miss the bus even though it comes at 330. Im so weird about time frames. its part of the bi-polar I guess. that doesnt go away with the meds. Ive gotten so much support from everyone lately and i so enjoy talking with you guys. it really helps to know that there are others in my situation. Anyway, thats about it..we will see how i do tomorrow. hopefully I can go down another pound. :-) Im scared of what the doctors scale is going to say. I should have set mine to say what theirs said. UGH but it was so high. anyway. thats enough. Have a GREAT leap day.

well..I dont really feel like posting but I will. my kids are both home with me today. the oldest is sick but they always get so hyper when they are together. it likes to drive me crazy. ahahahh I did well for the past few days with keeping the cals to 1200. a little over or under but mostly 1200. I got up a bit higher this past weekend when we went out of town but now Im 138 again, hopefully it will just go down from there now. I could kick myself though for not being able to get the bike i wanted. now there rrent any left online and im sure the stores dont have them either. so there goes that. I wil wait and see what turns up. there was another one but it would be twice as much to have it shipped and i want site to store so i can go get it without the shipping cost. I just didnt have the moeny last week so there was nothing I could do. now they are gone. GRRRRRRRR. its been pretty cold outside too so i havent been able to get out and walk. Im about tired of the cold. its time that it stop and get warm. haahah Ive been good with fasting during the day. and having only my coffee then havign something small at lunch and yesterday I did well with the small meals. my stomach wont shrink if i keep putting tons in to it. I cant wait to get my bracelet. I think it will be really helpful in motivating me as well as having the community support. Im glad that my husband is supporting me in this too. I have so much to lose that I could lose a whole person before he notices that im too thin. ahahahah anyway....thats about all for today. I have two doctors appointments next week. not looking forward to that. they will weigh me and it will be upsetting. but Im sticking to the same scale at home and going with that number..and trying not to let it fuck with my head. cause it does. I wish it would just melt off and i could be done with this. anyway..now Im done...and off to post on other peoples stuff. haahha Hugs to you all and stay strong. 

well..I jsut ate a meatloaf sandwich...and now my cals are up to 400 for today. I was doing so well with just coffee and then i blew it. but I was so hungry. I think I will still be under 1000 for today. I will continue with trying to fast during the day tomorrow. there is just such disappointment and guilt with this disease. I cant stand it.  hope everyone is doing better then me today. small small small. meals...small numbers. SMALL SMALL SMALL>

so its monday and Im back into my normal routine. I only gained a pound this past weekend which was good considering all the food I ate. UGH. I was such a pig. I just got an appointment for a doctor to go see. Im going to mention my weight gain I think and my disapproval of it. perhaps a new medication could do something for it. but from what I understnad the person Im going to see cant prescribe meds...so Im not sure whats going on at the moment. so many doctors appointments. two in one week. I hope hubby isnt upset having to come home early so I can get to them. anyway, i tried to liquid fast yesterday and got hungry so I ate some potato chips. hell of a thing to eat when there are so many more healthy things i could have picked with less calories. oh well..yesterday is over and i can only do what i can today. I will try to go for my walk since ihavent gone for about a week now. coming up with silly excuses as to why I cant isnt going to cut it. Im just so damn lazy. anyway. thats about it. at 140, i sign off for now. Hope everyone else is doing well. email if you want chelle1219@aim.com I would love to hear from you. HUGS>

First , say to yourself what you would be;
Then, do what you have to do.
-Epictetus-

well, yesterday I didnt acheive my goal on the 2468. so today I will start out agian. I am having my coffee and will go on my walk soon when the weather warms a bit. Im a bit down today. discouraged. nothing is coming off and its making me sad. Hope everyone is doing well today. HUGS to you all.

Today is a new day. I did well yesterday and while i dont want to get too excited about my scale, I did step on it and have it tellme I lost 2 pounds. which was pretty good. I am pretty tired this morning as my son came in and woke me up and then continued to kick at me instead of going back to sleep like he usually does. Anyway, I hope all of you are doing well and have a super good day today. I think its going to be a good one. HUGS

Just thought I would join and see if I could make a few friends that understand where I come from. Im overweight and everyone else tells me Im not. I just see FAT!!!! and MORE FAT!!! My therapist brushes it off like its nothing. Gave me anti-psychotics for bi-polar which made me even BIGGER. 40 pounds. so now Im a COW!!!!! I feel like there isnt any one around me that knows what Im going through.